Josh Glass

Whether they are actually chosen or not, we love these celebs. It would be neat if someone could clarify for us though just in case we find ourselves in hot water about this one.

1. “Weird Al” Yankovic.

This musical comedian has us splitting our sides with laughter anytime we hear any of his masterful song parodies. We don’t think he is jewish but you can’t deny that there is something kind of  Hebrew about Alfred Matthew Yankovic. If we are wrong and have offended anyone, gentile or otherwise, we apologise.

2.Gal Gadot

Sure, she served in the IDF (Israeli Defence Force) but we don’t know what that actually means, they wouldn’t exactly be turning people away would they? The gorgeous Wonder Woman actress is a star even if her military service doesn’t necessarily mean she is a member of the House of David.

3. Jason Alexander

Now this one really stumped us. New York, check. Funny, check. Bald, check. But Jewish? Jury is still out. He is friends with Jeremy Signfield but did they meet in Schule or somewhere else?

4. Rock Lobster

Whenever this B-52s hit plays in the club, we are the first to hit the dance floor to groove along to this infectious beat but I’m pretty sure the Torah forbids the consumption of shellfish. To ad to our confusion I overheard Fred Schneider on the bus one time say that he had to cut a verse about the Rock Lobster forgetting his knife and clamp at a brit milah he was attending, so who knows? We would certainly like to.

5. Damon Wayans Sr.

Wow, what hasn’t Damon Wayans Sr. done? He’s a comedian, writer, director, producer and actor. I’ll tell you what he hasn’t done, converted to Judaism. Or maybe he has, we don’t know. He is refusing to return our phone calls even though we promised that we weren’t going to do anything nefarious with the information. Call us back Damon.

6. Damon Wayans Jr.

Like father, like son except for how jewish lineage is passed down according to the Talmud. If only we knew who his mother is, then we might finally have an answer to this curious conundrum.

7. Marlon Wayans

The plot keeps thickening. We would like to reiterate again, this is an attempt on our part to help clear up any confusion that might be out there about who may or may not be jewish. This isn’t a ranking system or an attempt to get an Jews vs Gentile squash tournament off the ground. We really just think it would be nice to know.

8. Keenan Wayans

We were really hoping to have heard back from the Wayans’ family by now, yet here we are. We should reiterate again; being jewish = Cool, not jewish = cool, having any information about a person that might help you avoid embarrassment at a party when you offer to let them light a fire on what later turns out is Shabbat, the jewish sabbath = cool too.

Ahh, Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year to eat a small man made out of a spicy biscuit. Family, friends, festivities. What doesn’t Christmas have going for it? I’ll tell you what Christmas traditions you are missing out on. Release your inner child with these helpful tips.

1. Break into your neighbours house and put little dunce caps on the Joseph in their Nativity.
I mean come on, she just had a kid and you believe she is still a virgin? Sounds like your neighbours don’t know how to fuck if they forgot the dunce caps on their Josephs.

2. Misinterpret the movie Fight Club.
David Fincher’s 1999 film Fight Club is a dark critique of the patriarchal society that has been cultivated under capitalism but what if you think punching priests makes you really strong and cool? Then snuggle up with your parents around the TV and talk about how cool it would be if you started a fight club in your shed.
SPOILER ALERT! Be sure to take a polaroid of the penis at the end of the movie because that is one nasty snake.

3. Put a note on your chimney that says “Santa, we have some gentle softcore pornography playing on our TV if you want to sneak a peek.”
This is to make Santa stop at your house first and give you all the Amazon Alexas you can handle. Are you Wall Street? Because you just gamed the system.

4. Bow to your dad and call him Señor Nog. 
Dads love feeling big and powerful and nothing says power like being the master of the Christmas milk called egg nog. It’s something about how eggs are baby chickens and being able to command an army of birds makes their eyes just light up with Yuletide cheer.

5. Make a big deal about not singing the chorus to “Angels We Have Heard On High.”
Only chumps learn a dead language. In this country we speak English goddammit. We are already losing this war on Christmas to the coastal elite snowflakes and I’m sure as hell not laying down my arms for anyone.

6. Set a place at the dinner table for the Christmas tree. 
Being a tree is a thankless job, show your appreciation by saving an extra helping of trifle for the large fir tree that stands in your living room for a month. If you can manage it, seat the tree next to Aunty Maureen, she’s single and ready to love again.

7. Open all of your presents in front of Bradley Cooper.
He thinks he’s a big shot since he fluked his way into a best director nomination, this way he will stay in his fucking lane when he realises how fast you are at opening presents. Still feeling special, Brad?

1. Pepperoni- New York
   Ah, who doesn’t love a New York slice? The Big Apple doesn’t hold back when it comes to a slice of the sauce pancake. This spicy sausage is made from some kind of animal tail, probably a lizard, and is at home on the hot flat bread called pizza. Hop on the F-Train and sing “Mama Mia” all the way home.
2. Pineapple- Hawaii
   Aloha, or should I say “Mama Mia?” Whenever you are next visiting the island paradise called Hawaii make sure you sample the local delicacy of pineapple pizza. You might recognise the pineapple as the fruit that is a house for an popular television idiot sponge but let me assure you this is no dream. Pineapple and pizza? More like Mama and Mia
3. Fois Gras- France
   Next time you are in France, why not treat yourself to a delicious pie topped in the smooth and creamy texture of a liver from the world’s saddest goose? Sure it sounds gross and inhumane but pizza is from Italy and I once saw a movie where the Italians were up to some pretty heinous shit so don’t tell me that every pizza isn’t somehow tainted with the sins of the father. Get off your high horse and share this goose pizza with me. Mama Mia!
4. Raw Tuna- Japan
   The Land of the Rising Sun is known for killing fish so that you can eat it but they also love a little pie we like to call pizza. Put the two together and you have a real mess. I can honestly say the country that brought us fuckable pillows dropped the ball on this one. Let me assure you that when I say “Mama Mia” it is out of sheer disappointment.
5. Sauerkraut- Germany
   These guys may not have the best history on the planet either but Mama Mia have they redeemed themselves with the invention of putting pickled cabbage on the circle meal of pizza. I think I speak for all of humanity when I say all if forgiven and pass me another slice, Mama Mia!
6. Matzah balls- Israel
   The chosen people have chosen the right pizza toppings! What is it about cutting your dick and praying into a wall that makes matzah pizza so darn good. Colour me impressed. I got two things to say: 1) Keep it up, the Jews! 2) And how do you say “Mama Mia” in Hebrew?